Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Train Station

i have become numb to the fact that i will never procure satisfaction; fulfillment within this time. and yet i cling to the desperate hope that i will discover something that i know too well to not exist at all. a marked feeling; a transient force. a state of being, perhaps, a path unpathed and cold. and who is there to walk beside me but my shadow; my reflection; the voice of my own reason. absorb, immerse, inform myself of all that glows with the slightest hint of the thing that i am looking for. rarely i see it in the eyes of others; those gone before me; those shifting around me. fear moves me to cling to them, hopeful that they will guide me. but time will deceive me of this truth and reveal their intentions; the differences we face. they may be much like me and little else like the world, but the gaps between us span trenches i cannot turn my back to. and i fear these chasms that alienate you all, so concerned that with the slightest shift i may plummet inwards, absorbed by all that is what i do not want nor care for. and if i become the face of all that i despise who then has won? will my newly found innocence satisfy my thirst with solace so plain, or will its damaged essence burn away at my stomach as i swallow, and leave me sick right through? i can't expect you to understand me or to want to know me at all. i can't expect those of you with eyes so clear to want to look right into the smog of mine. i am alone for the duration of my time here, apathetic to this truth. i am bound by myself to this silence of temporal psychosis and each day i revel in the question of who is to blame? so many fingers to cast, and yet no proof to materialise these allegations. i will die not knowing, i am sure, but the greatest gift i can hope for is that the answers will come in death. all that i have searched so frantically for will blossom in the hour of my departure and i will know for certain that it was not all worth nothing; that i have found my resolution, far more beautiful than any offered on this earth. and this will be my victory, my absolution. this will be the beginning.